Conflict in marriage is often unavoidable and can even result in a strain on the relationship if left unaddressed. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Conflict and disagreements are a completely normal part of marriage and are actually healthy when done correctly. The key is for each partner to create a safe place for conflict by having a good understanding of how to fight fairly.
Don’t Avoid the Issue
Men are most likely the “avoiders” in typical marriage situations. This isn’t to say that it’s always the man but many times men are less likely to voluntarily communicate about issues. When an issue is avoided or glossed over in a relationship it creates a tiny crack. Enough of these small fractures in a marriage and the whole thing begins to fall apart. If one partner avoids issues or ignores problems it leaves the other partner feeling alone and rejected. In a healthy marriage, each partner will work together to address issues in a timely manner within a safe environment.
Don’t Stack the Deck
It can be difficult not to bring up the past during an argument. Discussions can become heated, leading to past failures being dragged into the current argument. This is called stacking the deck and will make your partner feel as though they are never truly forgiven for things they’ve done. Dredging up old wrongs and misdeeds will only muddy the waters and discourage true reconciliation.
Do Validate Your Spouse’s Emotions
Listening is important in any marriage relationship, but an even more effective approach is validation. As your spouse shares their feelings, don’t just listen to them but also communicate that you really understand how they feel. Everyone has a deep need to be heard and understood; this should be met by your spouse! Maybe you can’t change something you did, but when you validate your spouse’s emotions and genuinely see things from their perspective it will pave the way for healing.
Do Accept Responsibility
Validation is a natural precursor to accepting responsibility. After an offense is committed or you have wronged your spouse, acknowledging your failure is important. While being defensive is a natural response, everyone needs to admit to their spouse and themselves that they aren’t perfect. Accepting responsibility in a relationship can relieve the stress of feeling like perfection is the goal. No one is perfect. When one partner is hurt they often lash out or the person who sinned explains away or defends the sin. Admitting mistakes builds the partnership closer together and creates a healthier, more open environment.
Conflict in marriage is a healthy part of overall communication. No one gets along all the time, but it’s how we deal with misunderstandings and hurt feelings that counts. Establishing some goals and rules for fair fighting can be a powerful tool in a relationship. The goal is not to “win,” but to be a safer person for your spouse in conflict and communication.
