Marriage Basics

Learn three simple principles for establishing a healthy, happy, and life-long marriage.

Marriage Basics: Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

Posted: September 30, 2021
Our culture would say love is only about feelings. But, lasting love is based on more than just feelings.

Talking Points:

  • People are fickle, and feelings can be dangerous and can lead us astray, especially when it comes to relationships. A healthy marriage is not built most prominently on feelings or emotions.
  • When a man and woman come together in marriage, they’re making a commitment. You take vows that are promises to stick together in the good and bad times.
  • Marriage Basics #1: Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Feelings aren’t bad – but they come and go. The valiant part of marital love is the choosing part.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Make two lists: (1) how feelings can be good (2) how feelings cause problems. How have feelings affected your marriage positively and negatively?
  3. Looking back, do you think you understood the commitment you were making on your wedding day? What promises have proven hardest to keep?
  4. List some choices or sacrifices you’ve made for your marriage. How did you come to those decisions?
  5. Talk about the 5 love languages. Which one is your love language? Which one is your spouse’s primary love language? What are some practical ways you can start speaking your spouse’s language?
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Marriage Basics: Trust Is Earned, Not Freely Given

Posted: October 28, 2021
The second principle for marriage will help you to establish the groundwork of trust for a fulfilling, happy marriage.

Talking Points:

  • Trust is “relying on the integrity or ability of another person.” Your ability to trust is based on someone else, not you.
  • Marriage Basics #2: Trust is earned, not freely given. It has to be earned by proving your character over and over. Even in a marriage, trust cannot be demanded. It must be earned over time.
  • There are three elements to trust- it’s reactive, measurable and it takes time to build.
  • Forgiveness is different from trust. Forgiveness is a gift you choose to extend to someone whether they’ve earned it or not.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. On a scale from 1-10, how trusting of a person are you generally? What experiences have shaped your view of trust?
  3. In what areas have you had a hard time trusting your spouse? Explain. In those areas, what could your spouse do to start earning trust?
  4. Review the trait of trust: reactive, measurable, takes time. Which trait is most important to you? Why is it important to remember that you can measure trust?
  5. What role does forgiveness play in earning trust? Is there an area where you need to extend forgiveness to your spouse, even if he/she still has trust to earn?
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Marriage Basics: Keep Talking

Posted: April 21, 2022
The third principle for a healthy marriage is all about communication and conflict. Couples need to learn how to express their thoughts, feelings, and expectations in productive ways.

Talking Points:

  • Marriage Basics #3: Healthy couples keep talking. Communication – and even conflict – is not something to fear. With good communication, you can be confident that you can resolve your conflicts and grow closer as a couple.
  • Avoid the “fight languages”: Escalation, withdrawal and invalidation. These bad habits will derail healthy communication.
  • Embrace good habits: Use “I feel..because” statements, be an active listener and get to solutions. This will assure healthy conflict resolution.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. How have you viewed conflict in your marriage up until now?
  3. On a scale of 1-10, how often do you feel like your spouse doesn’t understand your point of view? In your opinion, what contributes to the breakdown?
  4. Which of the fight languages do you struggle with the most? How has that affected your marriage?
  5. On a scale of 1-10, rate your ability to use your words constructively. In what ways can you improve?
  6. Review the good habits of communication. Which skill do you need to work on the most? How can those skills help you the next time you have a conflict?
  7. How often do you get to action steps in your conflicts? What keeps you from moving forward?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?