This topic is adapted from the Marriage365 YouTube channel.
One of the best parts of marriage is being able to “do life” with your best friend. A solid marriage is a strong friendship. Best friends trust and rely on each other, talk about the highs and lows of their days, and know each other’s dreams, often having the same ones.
Affair-proofing your marriage – and just strengthening it – means fostering friendship with your spouse. Here is how to maintain, strengthen, and build that friendship.
Video Highlights:
- Ask each other about highs and lows on a daily basis. This simple practice can help you understand and support your spouse. The answers may help you reach a deeper understanding of your spouse’s inner life and, long-term, help you emotionally support each other through difficult times. This knowledge about each other’s worlds creates what marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman calls a “love map,” and which the above video refers to as an “emotional map.”
- Never stop dating each other. Find time for a date no matter how busy you are. You don’t need to have a lot of money for a date; in fact, a date doesn’t need to cost any money. You can go for a walk, play cards, or attend a community event. Dates are about connecting and making memories, which will build your friendship.
- Find ways to reminisce about the past, be thankful for the present, and dream about the future. This is a way you can structure your conversation on your dates and during everyday life activities such as car rides. These conversations will help you to keep creating your love map, fortifying your relationship for stressful times.
- Don’t ignore your spouse’s complaints. Oftentimes affairs happen because one partner’s needs aren’t being met. Though this doesn’t excuse the affair, attending to your spouse’s needs is a preventative step, as well as a way to keep your friendship strong. Ask yourself, “What can I do this week to make my marriage a priority?” If the complaint is yours, set aside a specific time to talk. Your concern will be more likely to be heard and understood if you voice it at a specific time rather than in passing, such as in the middle of an argument. At that prearranged time, you and your spouse can discuss a way to solve the problem.
Affair-proofing your marriage is about building your friendship. That process is an ongoing one that requires creating shared memories, having conversations about your lives, and meeting each other’s needs. That’s what it means to “do life” together.
Discussion Questions:
- Watch the video together or invite someone to summarize the topic.
- What is your initial reaction to this video? Do you disagree with any of it? What jumped out at you?
- Describe the friendship between you and your spouse.
- How has knowledge of your spouse’s life help you navigate difficult times?
- How do you and your spouse learn about each other’s worlds? What new practices for learning about each other could you implement?
- Do you and your spouse go on dates? If so, what do you do? If not, what barriers prevent it, and how can you overcome them?
- Think of a new date idea, even if it won’t take very much time, and plan a day to do it.
- What do you talk about when you are together? Is there a way you could improve your conversations to help you connect to each other?
- How do you and your spouse address complaints?
- Write a personal action step based on this conversation.
