Boundaries

Learn what boundaries are and how they help you to manage every relationship in your life. Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

What Are Boundaries In Relationships?

Posted: September 9, 2021
Boundaries help you to define what's your responsibility and what isn't in relationship with others. If you have a hard time setting them, try asking three simple questions.

Talking Points:

  • Do you ever feel uncomfortable or imposed upon by someone else? If so, try saying something about it.
  • Can you express your own beliefs freely or are you a “yes” man? The ability to set boundaries starts with having the courage to be honest about your thoughts.
  • Are you putting too much energy into trying to change someone else? Sometimes you simply need to set a boundary and end a relationship.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe your understanding of boundaries up to this point. Would you say that you have a lot of boundaries or that you have few or none? Explain.
  3. In your own words, why are boundaries important for healthy relationships. What is likely to happen when there aren’t any in place?
  4. Who in your life makes you uncomfortable at times or stresses you out? How have you responded to this person in the past? 
  5. Do you feel like you withhold from expressing your opinions around certain people? Explain. 
  6. Who have you tried to control in your life and how has that worked out for you?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

The 10 Laws Of Boundaries

Posted: August 30, 2020
Like anything in the natural world, healthy relationships are governed by basic principles. Here are 10 of them.

Talking Points:

  1. Sowing and reaping: You get what’s coming to you unless someone swoops in and protects you from negative consequences. 
  2. Responsibility: You aren’t responsible for someone else’s choices. 
  3. Power: You alone have the power to see your problems and to address them.
  4. Respect: As we want others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
  5. Motivation: Choose to serve others out of freedom and love and not from a place of fear or control. 
  6. Truth in love: Speak the truth in love for the good of another person, even if it causes temporary pain.
  7. Proactivity: Be proactive about what you stand for instead of being emotionally reactive toward what you stand against.
  8. Envy: Instead of resenting what others have, go after the things you want in life.
  9. Breakthrough: Don’t shrink back from a challenge, but embrace the struggle needed for growth. 
  10. Exposure: Your boundaries need to be visible to others and communicated clearly.
Discussion Questions:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe someone in your life who struggles to maintain healthy boundaries with someone in their life (spouse, child, friend). What are the indications that it may be an unhealthy situation?
  3. Which of the 10 Laws jumps out to you the most and why? Which law do you need to be more mindful of in your life?
  4. Review the law of Evaluation. Have you ever confronted someone before who has hurt you? How did you feel about that experience? In your own words, why is it important to speak the truth in love?
  5. Why is it better to be proactive with your emotions and boundaries rather than always being reactive? Share a time you reacted to something and regretted your actions. How could the law of Proactivity have helped you in that situation?
  6. Review the law of Exposure. Up to now, how have you made your boundaries known to the people in your life? What more do you need to say or do to make sure your boundaries are clear to others?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Boundary Conflict With Friends

Posted: November 25, 2021
If you’re a compliant person, you need to watch out for these 4 types of conflicts that can complicate friendships.

Talking Points:

  • Compliant-Compliant: You are both afraid to express true desires or to be honest about your preferences-so neither of you get what you want. Learn to speak up.
  • Compliant-Aggressive Controller: You are always saying yes to keep the peace while the other person steam rolls- so you get bitter and angry. Learn to say no and stand your ground.
  • Compliant-Manipulative Controller: You are always saying yes while the other person takes advantage of you-so you grow bitter and tired. Learn to confront passive aggressive behavior.
  • Compliant-Non-responsive: You’re looking for connection but you’re ignored or rebuffed- so you feel rejected. Learn to take a hint and back off.
Discussion Questions:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe a friendship that has been challenging for you. Which of the 4 conflicts best describes that friendship?
  3. What are the potential problems in a friendship with two compliant friends? Why is it important to be able to express your real desires?
  4. Describe a controlling friend in your life. How does that friendship affect you?
  5. Have you ever felt taken advantage of by a friend? Explain. Why is it better to be honest about your frustrations compared to just taking it or completely walking away?
  6. Have you ever been non-responsive to someone in your life? Why? Has someone been unresponsive towards you? What insights can you glean from that?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Boundaries In Marriage

Posted: January 20, 2022
Having boundaries in your marriage will lead to a healthy relationship because you'll learn how to love selflessly and sacrificially.

Talking Points:

  • There are four main areas in your marriage where boundaries are needed:
    • How you feel- You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse.
    • What you expect– Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.
    • The work you do- You can’t do everything for everyone so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.
    • Your time together- You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Share about a couple whose marriage you admire and respect. What do you notice that’s different about their relationship from most marriages? How do you feel your marriage compares?
  3. Why is sacrifice an important element to a healthy marriage? Share a time selfishness caused problems in your marriage.
  4. How aware are you of your own emotions? Why is it important for you to be able to express yourself to your spouse?
  5. Share a time your spouse missed meeting one of your expectations. How did that make you feel? Did you articulate what you wanted or were you hoping they would figure it out?
  6. Do you feel like your spouse has some unrealistic expectations of you? Explain. What might you need to be honest about in order to avoid unnecessary conflict?
  7. Do you and your spouse have individual interests? Explain. How can you free your spouse to pursue those interests more? How can your spouse give you the gift of free time?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Boundaries In Parenting

Posted: March 31, 2022
Boundaries are the internal mechanisms that teach your kids how to take ownership of their lives.

Talking Points:

  • Parents help kids to develop internal mechanisms, called boundaries, that teach kids to take ownership of their lives.
  • Parenting is about transferring ownership to your kids teaching them about safety, respect and setting goals and sticking to them.
  • Discipline reinforces the boundaries you’re trying to teach. Discipline should be costly, age appropriate and proportionate to the offense.
Discussion Questions:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe your parenting style. How have you viewed your job as a parent up to now?
  3. What are your ultimate goals for your kids? What are you currently doing to encourage those things?
  4. Why is it important for your kids to take more ownership of their lives as they grow? What happens when kids don’t learn this?
  5. How have you trained your kids on issues of safety? What are some areas you need to start emphasizing more with your kids?
  6. How do you teach your kids to respect others? 
  7. Share some goals you’ve set for yourself and have worked hard to accomplish? How can you use that example to teach your kids about setting goals for themselves? How does an instant gratification attitude derail this process?
  8. Evaluate your current disciplinary strategies. How do you need to adjust or improve to make sure your discipline is teaching the right things?
  9. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Boundaries With The In-Laws

Posted: December 16, 2021
If you keep having fights about the in-laws, it’s time to set some boundaries.

Talking Points:

  • If you experience on-going conflict over the in-laws, chances are good that you have some boundary issues that need to be addressed.
  • There are 3 key steps to help you navigate this issue in a manner that keeps your marriage intact while preserving relationships with your family.
    • Take a look inward and discover what’s bothering you and why
    • Talk honestly with your spouse about your feelings and concerns
    • Create boundaries with each family and hold to them
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe your typical experience with your family. How about with the in-laws. (holidays, family dinner, reunion). What are some pros and cons to each family?
  3. Do you notice your stress level rising when you’re about to spend time with either family? Explain. Do you notice your spouse’s stress level rising around family? Explain.
  4. What are the triggers that tend to upset you when you’re around family? Why do those things have such a negative impact on you?
  5. Of the 3 boundaries mentioned, (one or both act differently around family, ignore your spouse or triangulation) which one best describes your family dynamic? How is each one damaging to you?
  6. When is the last time you asked your spouse about what it’s like being around your family or theirs? How could being honest about the challenges help your marriage?
  7. What are some boundaries you need to put in place with your family? With your spouse’s family? How will you go about communicating those boundaries?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?