Choosing to separate can actually save your marriage, but there are certain guidelines you should follow if you want success.
Talking Points:
- If you have no set goals for a separation and no guidelines for how each spouse should conduct themselves during the separation, there’s no reason to think you’ll ever reunite.
- Determine how you feel about the relationship during your time of separation. This isn’t the time to cut loose but rather to think, reflect, and meditate on your marriage and on any baggage you might have that is plaguing it.
- Don’t separate for any longer than six months. Three months is more acceptable, especially if children are involved.
- The point of separation is to show yourselves what being divorced will really look and feel like, and living as a married couple who just see each other less won’t cut it. Keep your own money. Pay rent at two separate houses. You need to see what “I want a divorce” truly means and how it will impact you, your finances, your kids, and your extended family.
- It’s unwise to see or date other people while you’re separated if you’re truly interested in healing your wounded marriage. Dating other people will further complicate an already complicated situation.
- Separation is about gaining perspective and making a decision to start fresh. It’s about making changes and putting in the hard work to make a healthy marriage.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Are you separated or considering separation? If so, what has led you to this challenging decision?
- What are some healthy “ground rules” for a separation? Why are these rules crucial?
- What “baggage” do you bring into your marriage? What is the source of this “baggage?” What are you doing to handle it?
- Why is it important to “live like you’re divorced” if you separate? What specifically would this look like for you and your family?
- Do you agree that dating during separation is counterproductive? Explain.
- How are you going to do the hard work of fixing yourself during your time of separation? What are your practical action steps, goals, or benchmarks? List them.
- What are some resources in your area you can turn to so you can work on yourself and get help as a couple?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
