John Gottman defines defensiveness as "self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack."
Talking Points:
- If your spouse comes with a complaint that feels like blame…Say, “I can see that you’re hurt and I want to understand why. Can we start again with a measured tone?”
- If your spouse is pointing out a potential blindspot…Ask questions and seek examples to help you understand. Be willing to own it and make adjustments.
- If you feel like you don’t trust your spouse’s intentions…Be honest about the need to build trust and invite a mentoring couple to help you navigate the issues.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Review Gottman’s definition. Why do you tend to get defensive with people? What’s happening internally when you feel attacked?
- Which of the three tips will be hardest for you to implement? Explain.
- What is a kind, productive way you could call a “time out” to make sure your tones are inviting and not critical?
- How do you typically respond to your spouse’s constructive criticism? How could your spouse frame it in a way you could receive it better?
- Trust is the bedrock to a healthy marriage. How have you struggled with trust in your marriage? Who are some wise people you could call on to help you navigate these issues?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
