One of our greatest needs is to be understood by others. This is especially true for a healthy marriage. Learn what it means to really listen so your spouse can feel most understood by you.
Talking Points:
- Roadblocks to listening:
- Listening seems like a passive response and it feels like you’re accepting fault if you don’t respond. Some people spend time thinking of a rebuttal instead of listening to their spouse.
- One partner is always griping about something so the other doesn’t take any one thing seriously. They check out.
- Distracted spouses are easily side-tracked by other things like their phone or a show. They miss out on hearing what their spouse is saying.
- Transference issues. This is when you put your own meaning into what your spouse is saying so you hear what you want to hear, not what your spouse is really saying.
- We feel attacked when we hear criticism so we just shut down.
- Being a good listener isn’t a character or personality trait, but a skill that can be learned and practiced. Sharpen your skills with a few of these tips:
- Be attentive. No distractions. Listen so that you can summarize what you hear.
- Be empathetic. Really try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and see things from their perspective.
- Ask good questions. A good listener isn’t just able to repeat back what they hear, they want to understand it fully. This will require asking follow up questions to clarify and understand your spouse’s point of view.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Who is the best listener you know? What makes them stand out as a great listener?
- On a scale of 1-10, how often do you feel understood by your spouse? Explain. What number would your spouse give you? Explain.
- How do you know if your spouse is really listening to you or not?
- In your own words, what’s the difference between empathetic listening versus just listening? What are the specific skills that a great listener possesses?
- What does it communicate to you when your spouse really shows that they want to understand your perspective?
- What is the benefit to asking good questions of your spouse? How does that help you to become a better listener?
- What typically happens when you and your spouse have a disagreement? How would it impact your argument if you were both quick to listen and slow to speak?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
This topic is adapted from the book The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols, PhD.
