A successful marriage comes when both spouses are looking to meet the needs of the other and jump at the chance to serve in any way they can.
Talking Points:
- A “bid” is any attempt from one partner to the other for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
- There are 3 ways to respond to a bid:
- Turning toward. This is reacting positively to your partner’s bid for emotional connection. Instead of ignoring a bid, you hear it and respond. This breeds trust, love, and connection in the marriage. It’s a win every time.
- Turning away. This response is essentially ignoring and avoiding the bid or acting preoccupied. When a spouse continually misses the bid, this will breed distrust and discord.
- Turning against. This response is worse than just ignoring a bid. This is when one partner is critical of the request or responds sarcastically. Not only is the partner rejecting the request, they’re essentially belittling the thoughts and feelings of their spouse.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Is your spouse more of a hint dropper or more direct in communication? Explain.
- What are some of the common hints or requests you hear from your spouse? Do you notice a theme to their requests?
- How good is your spouse at responding to your hints/requests? How could they improve?
- Of the three ways to respond to a “bid,” which one would you say you do most? How about your spouse? Explain.
- Do you ever feel like your spouse turns against or belittles your requests? In what ways? How does that make you feel?
- Describe how you would love your spouse to respond to your needs. How can you start doing those same things for your spouse?
- How will you “deposit” trust into your relationship account? How will learning to trust one another more positively impact your marriage?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
This topic is adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.
